


Aguamenti Incendio

by orphan_account



Series: turn on the light [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Gen, Genderqueer Character, M/M, im still not sure how to use this tag system, they aren't british though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-14 23:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3429602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cartman steals Veritaserum with the intent of embarrassing Butters the only way to stop him is for Kyle to agree to take it with him and swap truths for an evening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“How about, something only one of us knows.”

“I sat alone in an empty compartment on the train first year.”

“Huh.” It made sense, from Kyle’s limited point of view, he hadn’t met Eric until the sorting.

….

 Kyle stood by his best friend Stan as each person around them was called up by headmistress McGonagall. Kyle was trying to take in as much of his surroundings as possible, the high ceilings and extravagant lighting were as amazing as Stan had told him on the train earlier. He was shocked out of his revere by the sound of his name being called.

“Kyle Broflovski!”

 He rushed to take his seat in front of the others, when he looked into the crowd he saw only a few familiar faces, Token and Bradley, newly sorted into Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff respectively, and Shelley Marsh, glaring at him from Slytherin.  Kyle shuddered, thinking to himself that people better be right when they say the hat takes into account your choice, he did not want to end up there. As soon as he finished the thought he felt the sorting hat fall onto his wild hair and over his eyes.

_Hmm…well, young man you’d do well in many houses…Resourceful, smart, determined._

_Not Slytherin_ , Kyle thought back harshly, knowing where it was going.

_Brash, maybe Gryffindor…but then again, no. It’s not bravery or glory you seek, but wisdom. Must be…_

“Ravenclaw!”

Kyle was so relieved he almost didn’t hear the loud, mocking voice coming from where he had just been.

“Ha! Another Jew in Ravenclaw, why aren’t we surprised?”

“Hey!” Kyle and Stan turned and yelled at the same time. The voice had come from another first year, someone Kyle had never seen before. He was fat and short and his eyes sparkled meanly from under his neatly combed hair and shiny new wizard hat. He parted his smirk to say something else, but was interrupted by someone.

“Eric Cartman!” McGonagall called, and he walked, right up to the chair and removed his own hat. The sorting hat had barely grazed his ears before shouting out.

“Slytherin!”

...

“Well, now you have to say one.”

“Yeah, um. They still keep the Mirror of Erised in the room of requirement, I saw it there once.”

…

Kyle was fucking pissed. He couldn’t talk to Stan because he would just want to talk about Wendy, and he couldn’t go back to the common room because Wendy would just want to talk about Stan. He was beginning to regret ever listening to Stan when he asked Kyle to introduce them, but if he didn’t Stan would still probably be moping about her and he’d rather have a happy and obnoxious best friend than a sad and drunk one.

So instead of going up the stairs towards the towers, or down towards the basement. He stayed where he was, on the seventh floor hallway, slowly approaching the creepy-ass portrait of Barnabas the Barmy. He had to look away quickly from the wildly spinning and dancing trolls, it always gave him motion sickness to look at those for too long, probably because his house only held muggle portraiture, curtesy of his father’s family.

When he turned he found a door he had never seen, or needed, Kyle supposed, before. The room was nothing spectacular, he noted walking in, a nice armchair was placed atop a large rug, and the walls were mostly lined with library books, save the adjacent corner to where Kyle had walked in. Leaning against that edge of the room was a large gold framed mirror.

The mirror was pretty nondescript but still felt out of place to Kyle who couldn’t think of any reason why he would _require_ a mirror at the time. He walked towards it, and upon noticing the writing at the top knew immediately what it was. Kyle was in awe of what it meant, this was a relic of the war, and probably valuable beyond belief. He debated about whether or not he should look, not sure if he really wanted to see, but his curiosity won out in the end.

Standing in front of the mirror he saw himself, older and graduating Hogwarts with a job offer in his hand. He was standing in an embrace, with a man whose face wasn’t quite visible. Around him Kyle’s parents and friends were watching, all proud of him, even his father was okay with his choice of partner and his mother happy with his decision not to go to college. It was perfect, but logically Kyle knew it would be an uphill battle to get there, if he ever did.

…

“I don’t know what that is, tell me something else.”

“I won’t tell you something else. You know, the mirror that shows what you want most in the world? Harry Potter used it his first year to defeat Voldemort.”

“I don’t subscribe to hippie propaganda.”

Kyle’s eyebrows furrowed at this, but he kept staring at the sky instead of turning to his companion.

“If we hadn't taken the Veritaserum I’d think you were lying, but you really are as ignorant as you seem.” He finally replied.

“I’m not ignorant, I just have my values and I stick to them.”

And even if it weren’t impossible for him to lie right now Kyle wouldn’t have doubted that for a second. Cartman is evil, manipulative, and overall the most frustrating person he’d ever met, but he was nothing if not consistent. There really was a method to his madness, even if it wasn't immediately evident. It was one of the things that Kyle found fascinating about him.

“I’m sure that’s what you believe, still you can’t say you wouldn't want to know your greatest desire.”

“I can.” Eric said, typical as he would never agree with Kyle unless it would benefit him later in some way. “I already have everything I want, I would see myself exactly as I am.”

This shocked Kyle, in the years he had known Eric he had never known him to be so delusional. He knew deep down he had problems, wanted things, Kyle had seen him in moments of weakness that couldn’t have been manufactured no matter how sociopathic he seemed. Kyle knew that Eric knew that wasn’t true. And then Kyle realized what that meant.

“You motherfucker!” Kyle shot up and stood over Eric.

“What?” Eric leaned up, his confused gaze meeting the redhead’s.

“You took the fucking antidote didn’t you?” Kyle was grabbing his robes now, trying to make him stand up too, but the unequal weight was too much for Kyle’s weak muscles to account for. He settled for getting lower, closer to Cartman, and pulling his fist back threateningly.

“Wait Kyle, Kyle!” He screamed at the fist aimed directly at his chubby face. “Even if I did how would hitting me fix anything? You’re a Ravenclaw, think!”

“You’re right.” Kyle lowered his hand to the pocket of his robes and pulled out his wand, “This will fix things.”

“Kyle! What the fuck?” Now he was really scared, tears were starting to build up in his eyes, hoping for a bit of sympathy from the other boy. “Think about it, even if I did take the antidote what would I do now? It’s over, even yours is starting to wear off.”

Kyle supposed that was true, but still why even bother in the first place if he wasn’t getting something out of it.

“I know you’re planning something, I’m sure you’ll go back to all your little slimy friends and tell them all my secrets.”

“What secrets? What did either of us say tonight that could be used against us, true or not?”

Well, that was true. Most of their time was spent exchanging mild chit-chat they never bothered with before, nothing too personal or too deep was asked by either one. The only thing that Cartman could have possibly gotten out of it was more observation time, knowing one’s enemy was always useful, Kyle supposed.

“Fine” Kyle lowered his wand in submission, “But if I find out this was part of some big scheme I’ll hex you into next month.”

“I’m glad you see it my way,” Eric said sitting up, “see you in Herbology tomorrow?”

“Sure thing,” Kyle replied, turning back to face him from where he had been, his hand on the doorknob to leave the Astronomy tower. He quickly opened the door and walked out, taking a moment to pop his head back in and finish his sentence. “Fatass.”

“Ay!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Aftermath

The next day Kyle wakes up from a terrible dream where he was a phoenix, except instead of living a full life he was fatally ill each time, doomed to be set aflame the second the last fire burned out. He was sure the divination teacher would have a ball with that one, she seemed to live for wildly outrageous visions, and the meanings behind them. Stan believed it was all a bunch of bullshit.

Kyle decided not to dwell on the dream for too long and instead left his bed to get ready for the day. The only other sixth year boy left in the dorm was Kevin Stoley, he was still working on trying to get an internet connection within the school’s wards and spent most of his time in the tower as a result. Kyle waved at him on his way to the showers and it was received by a half-hearted Vulcan salute. That kid was fucking weird.

After he was showered and dressed Kyle made his way to the Great Hall for breakfast, he wasn’t late but he saw Stan was already there waiting for him at the Hufflepuff table, a perk of having a common room right behind the kitchen. He tried to spot Cartman at the Slytherin table but he had either already come and gone, or wasn’t there yet.

“Hey, dude. You okay? The fatass didn’t try anything stupid last night, did he?” Stan seemed concerned, as he moved to the side a bit, allowing Kyle access to the bench. “I tried to owl you but you must have been out pretty late.”

“Yeah I must have…” Kyle replied, still distracted. “It was just the same old shit, he took the antidote without telling me, the only problem is I can’t figure out what his angle is this time.”

“Well what did you guys talk about? Anything he can use for leverage?”

“That’s the thing, we didn’t really talk about anything, unless he’s secretly a super powerful Legilimen there’s no way he got anything out of it.”

Stan laughed at that.

“What’s so funny?” Kyle asked, and Stan continued the conversation between bites of food.

“It’s just that, I think, for him spending time with you where you’re not nearly killing each other might be him getting something out of it. You know? Like without you his life is boring and empty so he doesn’t need more incentive than that.”

“Oh, fuck you, dude.”

“I’m serious, he’s crazy obsessed with you.”

“You don’t know what kind of crazy he is.” Kyle was beginning to get angry, Stan didn’t fully grasp the situation, and he couldn’t. Only Cartman knew what kind of weird power they held over each other.

“I’ve known him as long as you, man.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Stan smiled at him. “If it makes you feel any better all I’m saying is that he’s as weirdly obsessed with you as you are with him. You make sense.”

“It doesn’t make sense to me.”

…

Later, in the potions classroom, Eric was trying to get a head start on the assignment of the day, potions was his worst subject and in Slytherin that alone is worthy of derision. He flipped his book open to the correct page and started reading off the instructions in advance. When he turned to check that his cauldron was properly clean for use a familiar blond rat’s nest of hair caught his eye.

 Kenny McCormick had shared a potion’s table with Eric since first year when the professor decided that having inter-house pairs for the Gryffindor-Slytherin potions class would promote cooperation outside of the classroom as well. So far that had not exactly been the case, but it does help one to develop patience when they have to tolerate the same person for at least an hour every day, regardless of house.

Kenny made his way to their shared bench, and as they approached it Eric saw why other people were looking at them with mixed levels of interest.

“I see you’re wearing a girl’s uniform today, fag.”

“It’s not a girl’s uniform, it’s mine, and like I’ve told you before, the fact that you’re gay really takes away the sting from that one.” Kenny took out their second hand potions book from a well-worn bag and flipped to the right page, using Eric’s open one for reference instead of the board.

“Can you not lean your disgusting hippie body over my clean cauldron?”

“What’s up your ass? I thought last night went well.” Kenny smiled at him, and continued in a low voice, trying to detract attention from them. “Thanks by the way, I would have been pretty pissed if you actually messed with Butters like that.”

Kenny lifted his chin towards where Butters was still looking at them, and after catching his eye, they winked. Butters quickly looked away, probably trying to hide the blush that had grown across his face, but his ears still gave him away.

Eric opened his mouth to reply, but he was cut off by the potions professor telling them to get started. Kenny left to get the dry ingredients from the storage cabinet while Eric spelled a fire on and conjured some water to make the base. When Kenny came back Eric finally answered.

“You know I really don’t care, right? If the plan didn’t work he’d just be another casualty to me.” He grabbed the first two ingredients needed as he talked.

“That’s cold coming from a housemate.” Kenny started cutting up the next thing needed, lavender stalks.

“It’s a fucking mystery to me how he got sorted here, I’m embarrassed for him.”

“Yeah, yeah you say that all the time. What’s really bothering you today?”

“The usual, fucking Kyle and his fucking Ravenclaw sixth sense figured out I took he antidote and it all went to shit.”

“How’d he find out?” Kenny said looked at the bubbles rising rapidly, “Hey, should we turn the heat down on this?”

“No, just keep stirring,” Eric replied hurriedly, not really looking anyway. “And how the hell should I know, he just figured it out and started threatening me.”

The bubbles in the cauldron were threatening to overflow now, just as the instructions said. As the first reached over the top Eric grabbed the crushed lavender and threw it in, a second too early. Instead of slowing down to a simmer and turning a light blue it kept boiling and fell just shy of turquoise.

“Shit.”

“Oh, well. We’ll get ‘em next time.” Kenny tried to soothe his anger.

“I can’t concentrate on anything right now, that dumbass Ravenclaw is ruining my life.”

“Did you try apologizing?”

“For what? Taking the antidote? He knew I was going to.” Eric reasoned that he would have reacted much more violently and accepted way more personal questions if he hadn’t deep down.

“You should still apologize.” Kenny pointed out, fishing out a piece of parchment and a pen to write down the report on the day’s potion.

…

Double Herbology with the Ravenclaws was only made bearable by one thing, the fact that it took place right after lunch. At least with a full stomach Eric was able to stand through two hours of the brainiacs falling over each other to ask and answer as many questions as possible, all the while being interrupted by Professor Longbottom’s enthusiastic stuttering.

Wendy and Token seemed to be leading the charge today, while Kyle stayed back at the far end of the greenhouse, making it easy for Cartman to slip out of his place near Butters and back to where there was an empty space, far from where the instruction was taking place.

“Hey.”

“Hey, I was almost worried you had died.” Cartman looked confused at that. “You weren’t at breakfast this morning.”

“Oh ha fucking ha. You know I came over here to apologize and you are making it really difficult.”

“Why would you apologize? Are you actually admitting you did something wrong?”

“Right and wrong are subjective, and Kenny told me you might appreciate it, considering I’m about to ask you a favor. Fair is fair, right?”

“Kenny’s a pretty smart person...” Kyle murmured, not sure where he was going with it.

“I wouldn’t go that far, but anyway I was thinking about it and I’d like you to show me that mirror you told me about.”

“You know you haven’t actually apologized yet, right?” Kyle asked, unimpressed by Cartman’s usual way of getting out of things.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry I took the antidote.” _Even though you really should have seen it coming._

“Fine, I’ll show you the mirror tonight if you want, after prefect rounds?”

“Sounds great.”

…

Later, in Kyle and Stan’s potions class, they were both looking over their still bubbling disaster.

“I mean…it’s sort of still blue.” Stan said, trying to help.

“It’s purple at best, dude. We fucked up. You should really just let me partner with Wendy, I can’t let my grade drop anymore.” Kyle was worried about what his mom might say about anything less than an O this semester. Ever since his brother Ike started school the pressure had really been on him to be a role model.

“I’m not stopping you and Wendy from partnering up!”

“You’re sure you won’t get jealous again?”

“Oh come on! That was one time, and in first year too!”

“Whatever it’s fine.”

“Maybe we can come in tonight and re-do it.”

“I can’t, I have plans,” Kyle considered not telling him the next part “with Cartman.”

“Dude, what? Two nights in a row?”

“I know, it’s just…he sort of apologized and I said I’d take him to see the mirror, that’s it!”

“Shit.” Stan seemed taken aback by that.

“What?” Kyle asked.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…I can’t believe it’s actually happening.”

“What? You don’t think he’s going to kill me or something, right?”

“More like kiss you, dude.” Stan answered with a laugh.

“Gross, there’s no fucking way.”

But now that the thought was in Kyle’s mind, along with what Stan had said earlier about them hanging out it was hard to ignore. They were going to be alone together in a secret room after hours, and not knowing what Eric was plotting left everything as a possibility.

…

After Kyle and Wendy finished their prefect rounds for the evening Kyle took the stairs down to the basement, not even looking back to see if Wendy noticed him going. If she didn’t know yet Stan would tell her soon, or she would find out on her own. Word seemed to travel pretty fast among students in the same year regardless of house.

Kyle had decided earlier to try and ignore what Stan said and just take everything that Eric does at face value. He just wants to see the mirror, and that’s fine. Nothing malicious about that, yet.

As Kyle was about to go down the final flight of stairs to get to the Slytherin dorms he felt a tap on his shoulder. Eric was behind him, half covered in an unnecessary invisibility cloak, and an evil smirk plastered across his fat face.

“What the hell are you doing?” Kyle was angry already and their meeting had barely begun.

“Sneaking up on you, what else?” He started folding up the cloak and stuffing it in his bag.

“You know, I’m doing you a favor here.”

“I know, I know. That was the last prank, I promise.”

“Fine, let’s just go, fourth floor.” He added when Eric looked at him questioningly.

They walked in silence up the flights of stairs, neither wanting to break the fragile truce they had been building slowly.

Once they got to the room Kyle finally looked back at Eric, who was panting at the exertion of walking up five flights of stairs and across half of the fourth floor. Kyle ignored him and pushed open the door. It was different than the last time he had been here. The room was much larger and the books were gone, the only thing left was the large rug. On it, instead of the armchair, was a large couch, and the mirror was standing across from it on the far side of the room.

“Well…here it is.” Kyle stated unnecessarily.

“Nice.” Eric breathed, and he walked up to the mirror. Kyle stayed behind and sat down on the couch, but watched him the whole time.

Once he was standing in front of it, Eric stood up straight and looked up from his feet slowly, almost as if he was scared of what he might find. The only indication of his reaction he gave was a slight jolt of surprise before he caught himself and studied his reflection. From where Kyle was sitting it was hard to make out any kind of expression on his face.

 After a few moments he turned away and looked back around the room, searching for Kyle.

“Yeah, I really don’t see how that mirror stopped the biggest badass in history, especially if it was just some dumb first year looking in it.”

“Have you never read the footnotes of Hogwarts: A History?”

“Oh, Kyle. That’s so typical. The little Ravenclaw Jew reading his footnotes.”

“Don’t belittle my people, fatass.”

“Okay, okay sorry. But, I do have something I have to confess.”

Kyle’s guard was instantly back up.

“What?”

“I didn’t just come here for the mirror, I have something to show you too, now close your eyes.”

“No fucking way am I doing that, you’ll try to kill me.”

Eric smirked.

“I promise I will not try to kill you, just turn around for a second.”

“Ugh, fine.” Kyle turned his head around, but kept a firm grip on the wand in his pocket, just in case. From behind him he could hear just the slightest bit of shuffling and murmuring, but nothing to cause alarm.

“Okay, um. Turn around.”

“Woah, dude.”

He saw Eric first, but then his gaze followed the wand he was holding, up to a magnificent burst of color. It was a show of multi-colored light, every shade of green possible. And it was starting to morph, from shapeless movement and lines into the head of a great African elephant. It swung its great trunk and trumpeted, the sound felt distant but not manufactured, and Kyle felt almost transported by the noise. Like he was no longer in the confines of the castle, but out in the great plains somewhere, surrounded my nothing but the sights and sounds of a whole new world.

But as suddenly as it had started the image stuttered and dissipated in a shower of sparks. When he looked back at the person who cast the spell he was met by warm brown irises, closer than he had expected. He must have moved towards the entrancing image without noticing.

“Did you like it?” Cartman asked, watching him expectedly.

“Yeah, I mean, it was amazing, where’d you learn that?”

“It’s just something I’ve been putting together for a while, I had Butters help me with the color charms.”

“Oh…” Kyle didn’t know where to go from there or why he had shown him in the first place “Well, thanks for showing off, I guess.”

Kyle tried to walk away and out of the room, but a hand on his wrist stopped him.

“No! Wait, listen, okay, fuck, I’m trying to say something here and this is really hard for me and I’m going to need you to shut up so I don’t start arguing with you during this.”

Kyle looked at Eric’s hand on his wrist and back up to his face, again not knowing what to do.

“I heard elephants were your favorite animal.”

Kyle didn’t respond, sure that wasn’t what was so hard for him to say.

“And I know green is your favorite color.” Eric continued, grabbing Kyle’s other hand. “It’s mine too, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. I’m just saying…It was for you.”

“Cartman…was this a date?”Kyle asked after a pause, “Or, were you like trying to court me or something?”

Neither of them looked the other in the eyes.

"Ugh, only since, like, first year."

That made Kyle look at him, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“What? I think you and I remember first year differently if that’s what you think that was.”

“Okay, I know we weren’t exactly friends, but I was trying to get close to you in the only way I knew how, Kyle.”

“You’re a dumbass.”

“Hey!” Eric barked, “We can’t all be smartass Ravenclaw Jews.”

“Fuck you, dude.” Eric blushed wildly. “Fuck, no! I didn’t mean it like that…I mean, not yet at least.”

Kyle tried to backtrack but the damage had already been done.

“Ha-ha, you like me too!”

“Ugh, whatever.” Kyle tried to move towards the door, but the larger boy’s grip on his hands kept him in place. “Look, can we just go back to bed, it’s getting late and I have History of Magic first thing in the morning.”

“No way, you’re not leaving this room unless you kiss me.” Cartman pulled a bit on his hands to back up his words.

“Okay.” Kyle said, calling his bluff.

“Wait, what?”

“Let’s do it, since I won’t get out of here any other way.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Cartman leans up as Kyle leans down, but instead of their lips meeting they bump noses harshly.

“Ow, what the fuck?”

“Your giant Jew nose got in the way.” Cartman says as he lets go of Kyle’s hands to rub his sore nose.

“But you _like_ my giant Jew nose, you’ve been courting it for _years_!” Kyle teases, and then says decisively, “Let me do this.”

He cups the other boys round face with his thin hand to keep it in place, then leans down and presses his lips to the others. It’s a chaste, dry pressure and not much else, but it makes both of their hearts beat wildly against their ribcages, and their bodies buzz with anticipation of more.

Kyle separates them and opens his eyes slowly.

“So…” he breathes.

“Mhmm.”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah…”

They walk to the door and down the the hall together in silence until Kyle speaks up.

“Oh, hey I forgot to ask, what’d you see in the mirror?”

“Kyle, I’m telling you this as someone who cares about you. Don’t ask me, because I’ll never tell you.” And with that Eric begins his descent to the Slytherin dorms, leaving Kyle to watch after his steadily disappearing silhouette from the light of his Lumos.

**Author's Note:**

> I might make a 'verse out of this, and yeah i know they shouldn't be at Hogwarts since they're American. Sue me.


End file.
